ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY

While browsing in Netflix I saw this title: ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. I am curious about the storyline, but I intended not to watch it because I might hook up (at gustuhin ko n lang pong manuod kesa magduty)

Then, I heard this phrase again in our household. Upon concluding on her sharing, she said that “ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY”. For me, it sounds familiar. Familiar in a sense that I saw it on Netflix, but most of all, this is my personal journey for this month of JUNE.

Finally! I am writing again. This month is a terribly a roller coaster ride for me. There is high and low moment. May masaya, at nakakatakot. May nakakakilig meron ding nakakainis. I am a little bit challenged this month, because I am blinded for so many things. My emotion was up high in the past weeks.

I am part of the medical team facing this pandemic health crisis. We are challenged side by side. Over these past weeks, I accepted our present situation. We have no choice, because this is part of our Mission. Naihanda ko na ang puso ko weeks prior we were converted into a Covid referral facility. I was grateful for saluting us while doing our mission. After a long year, and through this pandemic health crisis we were finally noticed.  Nakakalungkot lang na ngaun lang napansin. Pero at least napansin din.

Government made their little way to extend their gratitude to our service. There were priority lane in groceries, an increased in sub hazard (sabi daw?, hahaha, bitter pa din). Our Local government, provided us a comfortable accommodation, free food, and free shuttle. I am totally grateful for these services. After a long and tiring day, I was excited to laid down and take a rest in our comfortable accommodation. That was totally awesome!

Unfortunately, those things were ended mid of June. Comfortable accommodation was saddened lost. A big announcement happened two weeks prior our last day. I tried to look for alternatives. Look for an apartment, and computed my presumed expenses. Despite of a much higher expenses that I might be shoulder on (because I choose not to go home, to protect my own family), I still chose to stay and be at a war zone. While on the other hand, my co-workers were contemplating to pass their resignation paper.

On my personal note, I don’t want to quit in the middle of this battle. I was still grateful in the past years for accepting me as part of their team. I am still hopeful in the coming days, like as it states in our hospital name “Childs Hope”. This time, I want to give back for the grateful years that I have experienced. My desire to continue and serve still up high, and it is superb foundation and fate that I entrust on the process.

After couple of days from the time that they announced it, my desire to rent was still up high. My heart was ready but my pocket was not. Kidding aside, I saw people who wanted to help to look for an apartment. But days prior our last stay I just surrendered what will happened next, even on our last night of stay. We still don’t have any place to stay. I had my back up plan to stay at our house, take precautionary measures like wearing n95 and full suit while at home (this is so serious!!) I also prepared disinfectant solutions and so others to mention. I was bothered where I will be going to stay and sleep that Monday night. My heart was torn into staying at the hospital or go at home at take a rest. They were announced that they will provide another accommodation for us, but they still finalized it one day prior our last day.

After couple of days, disappointments piled up. This so-called increased sub hazard was totally a lie or should I say delayed (for 3 months!! And going 4 months!). Like what I have said to my friend, it is plainly okay if they will delay it but give us an accommodation. Pero bakit parang sabay sabay naman masyado. Yes we have an accommodation, pero masyado lang siguro nila ginalingan at ginandahan last time at nagging mataas ang expectation after. But not receiving our allowances for months, hmm slightly disappointing. And wait there’s more, those people who are sitting down on their offices working for 8 hours a day for 5 days was received much higher than us battling on this unseen enemy. Hmm, it sounds annoying. Yes, it is! Then because we didn’t receive anything yet, our HR gave us a signal to write a letter and address it to city’s HR. Ooopppsss, two down! I taught our duties and responsibilities is within the core of nursing care, why it sounds that we need to beg those privileges that is intended to us in the first place. Plus, it is not our responsibility! Bitter pa din hanggang ngayon, hahaha.. nakakatawa ang pasahan ng duties.

Well since our mayor is proactive on the issues surrounding the city, he responded quick as it is. But at the end, it is still our fault. Hmm, yes, it is mandated in the civil service code to be respectful at all times, but maybe they just verbalized their thoughts and pointed out the main concern. The response of the people in the comment section was totally irritating. Some of them said, “mukha daw kaming pera”. Owww, medyo 3 months na po kasi kaming delayed. Since we are govt employee we didn’t receive any help from the government like SAP (which I expect).  I was like, who are they questioning our rights, while they were the one asking and begging where their SAP are. Dito ko na lang nasabi na ang HIRAP MAHALIN NG PILIPINAS (which I verbally said it, in one of our hh meeting). I said it passionately, which was I never thought it would happen. My friends knew me that I really love this country despite of the low income that it provides, but seeing those people whom I want to be taking care of was a big insult on my face.

Ngayon lang ata ako nagalit ng ganito sa kapwa Pilipino regarding sa issue na ganito. My love for my profession and my love for my country is always a top of my priority and yet hearing those messages, made me upset. Nahirapan akong Makita ang grasya!.  (this is so real!) I thought I will not be recovered too soon.  

But He is merciful

One sunny morning, while writing on my journal and listening to bird’s chirping, I was an awe of how the Lord provided me so much that I am needed. Our present accommodation could not be perfect like before, I am still blessed to see God’s creation. There were a lot of trees surrounding the area. It is peaceful, and I described it like I am in a retreat house. Double decks are all around, we have a common CR. Furthermore, this is our place where we usually held our youth camp, decade ago, and a place where we had our sector conference in SFC. There is so much to offer about this place.

Upon reflecting of so many things, I just realized that comforts and discomforts will always be present while doing our mission. At the end of the day, the question will go to this, do you still want to continue despite of the discomfort that it may bring? The answer will always fall to Love. Love for Him.

Meanwhile, I could say that..

It is really okay not to be okay!! Because acknowledging your different emotions matters, but try to look upside down to get back on the track of life. Be blessed. Be grateful. It is indeed, a wonderful law of life.